Smoking

I hate smoking. The very idea and the action of "smoking." I think it's nothing but ugly. So, for the same reason, I don't like smokers.

However, the ironic thing is that I smoke. Not a heavy smoker like smoking 20 cigarettes a day, but only one or two a day or two. Why I smoke? It's like I sometimes want to "hurt" myself, not necessarily physically (well, smoking physically harms lungs though) but mentally. That is, by doing what I find ugly, or to say more, dirty, I kind of "punish" myself...

And these days seriously, my chest (don't know if it's lungs) hurts in certain times like when I breathe or stretch body or in certain positions like leaning forward or laying down. Fuck. I really don't NEED to smoke, nor do I even want to, but when I'm feeling down, it's what I'd do.