I'm Back!

So, so soso!!
If anyone is reading my blogs, yea, you might have noticed that I have recently been very depressed.
I really can't help it damn it Kouhei!


It's really something I'd hate to be.

Oh I am listening to the Beatles' Run for Your Life.


So, this time, I'll try to be a bit happier, with a help of some alcohol.


yes, I will try to write a happy-sounding blog this time.


But what should I write about? Oh no, my sake just ran out... damn,,,or good. lol


It's 1:14 am, by the way. I should be in the bed. I'm bored as hell..but the question is is hell a boring place? I don't know. I've never been there, nor do I want to in the fure. NOR DO I BELIEVE THERE IS SUCH A PLACE.


Dah!


Okay, come one, don't expect me to write a sophisticated thing here especially when I don't know if anyone is reading this, or WHO is reading this. My fan? oh yeah. haha


okay. That's about it for now.


It was a happy blog today, right? :D


BTW, sorry, for some error, I couldn't write this article in regular setting. The background of the letters became white and I couldn't read anything thought there are sentences actually there. So I set the background color white you can at least read those white letters.
Sorry for the inconvenience.


Kouhei

I know who I am and what I am like.
I can't get away from myself.
I am not necessarily comfortable with what I am like, there are many things I wish I weren't like this, but I am happy with who I am.
I have to live with what I am allthrough my life, whether it's good or bad.

God, though I don't believe in gods, thanks.

This is life.

Kouhei

I think I know that I am closing the doors to chances and for the future myself. I know what I'm doing but I don't know what I want to do.

If there is anyone who is necessary for the society, for others, beneficial to the world but has short life ahead, and if I could, I'd give my life to them.

Kouhei

22nd June 2012 20:27

親不孝？俺は何のために生きてる。

子供が親のために生きるのかな？
親が子供のために生きるのかな？
どちらかのせいでどちらかが苦労するのはしょうがないと思う。

俺は親孝行なんかしてないし、選べたわけじゃないからしょうがないけど、親だってもうちょっと出来がいい子の方が苦労も少なかっただろう。

自分らが苦労してでも子供の幸せが親の幸せってのもあるかもしれない。ただ今の俺は俺の親が幸せだと思えることを何もしてない。

思うんだけど、俺が赤ちゃんの頃は俺は何もしてなかった。ただ生きてただけ。でもきっと、日々の成長を見るのが幸せだったりしただろう。今は大きくなって、働きもせず、ただ学校行って学校ない日はだらだらしてる。

親は俺に何を期待してるの？

こんなこと決してほんとには思ってないけど、別に生まれてこなくてもよかったともたまに思うよ。生まれた以上生まれてきてよかったとも思ってるし、親が選んで俺を産んだわけじゃないけど親にも感謝してるし。でも、それは俺がこうして生まれて存在してるからそう考え「られる」ことであって、そもそも俺は生まれてなくて他の人が生まれてたら、それこそ親はその子は「俺」としては認識しないんだし、存在し得ない「俺」が、生まれてきたかったなんて思うことすらもない。

何なんだろう。損得で生きてるわけじゃないけど、今の俺の親は俺を産んで育てて損しか受けてないと思う。何の得があったの。俺が小さかった頃の、毎日ろくなこともしてない時に持ってただろう感情は、今の俺の親は持ってないだろうね。仕事から帰ってきて、疲れてて、で、家にいる俺を見ると。俺も夢があってそれに進んでるわけでもない。それで学校の金もかかる。

申し訳ないわ。親不孝が地獄に行くんなら俺は地獄行きだな。笑

Kouhei

June 18th 2012 21:14

Someone for Me

I can't play any instruments.
I can't play sports well except for tennis.
I can't sing well.
I can't dance.
I can't draw well.
I can't make delicious dishes.
I can't escort women well.
I am not perfect.
Or I am not handsome.

But I want to meet someone who will be happy with that. Someone who likes who I am.

Many things I wanna say.
But I don't wanna say, I can't say, to my friends.

I should keep it inside me, but I can't let it be in me.

So I am writing here, even if no one is reading this. It doesn't matter.

This is the only place I can say anything, like spitting spoils from inside me. No one cares.

I am so weak. Let me say that. I know I am.

Sometimes I really feel I need someone. Just someone. But I don't have that someone. No one can actually be my someone. I'd only have to fight "me" in me. I can't win. That's part of me. That's why.

But that me in me is the one that always be there for me.

I aleays have thi two opposite feelings. I always appreciate that I was bon. But I sometimes wish I had never existed.

Please, someone, but it's really no one for me, help me.

Hasta la vista.

Kouhei